What Have You Done Wrong In Relationships?

[Tyger]

Let's face it, we're human. Making mistakes is ONE huge things we ALL have in common! I'm not wanting to focus on the negative, this question is to see who's made what mistakes, if you've learned from it, and avoided repeating it, if possible. You may be able to help others going thru the same things!

So, please, post ONE mistake you've made in either your current relationship, or past relationships.

One of my mistakes that I made with my ex husband, is that I allowed him to fool me. Even with all of the signs, and "inklings" I had, I trusted what he was telling me. I wanted too. He was my HS sweetie. I thought *I* would be the one he'd never lie too! But, he did. I allowed it to happen, against my better judgements. I don't necassarily regret our overall relationship, just my ignorance.

What I have learned is to really LISTEN to that little inner voice, that is sometimes not so little, and not hide from it. If I *think* something is wrong, then I address it, after I think about what it is, and how to handle it. If it's bothering me, then it's an issue that needs to be addressed.

[hannibal68]

I have made plenty of mistakes, but number one was not sharing my true self. My teenage years was an unmitigated hell of abuse, regection, and inadequacy. I was always the FRIEND all the girls could run to after he broke their hearts. Always there to pick up the pieces, but never quite good enough to be their MAN.

When my wife and I started dating, of coarse we were already friends, she assumed I was experienced, since I had so many "girlfriends". In fact I was technically still a virgin. (Nobody had ever made me orgasm. Not counting the sick asshole who abused me, which I don't.) I would consider that an adequate definition of a male virgin. She had a couple the lovers before me though.

My EGO wouldn't allow me to share this with her, and it cost us many happier years. I say happier because I have been happy, it just could've been so much better. In the past year, I have started tearing down the walls, and things have gotten so much better. It has improved every aspect of our marriage.

I guess after putting up with my stupid ass for over twenty years, she deserves to know that she's the only woman for me.

[Mikayla1]

Only one huh??

For me it would be not giving enough back to my husband in comparison to what he gives to me. I am not speaking sexually, I am speaking emotionally and supportively. I think because I had a bunch of rampant bad relationships before him that I held something back - still do. I felt that if I became the all out supporter and let all my true emotions seep out that I would be hurt again as I was in the past. As a result, the early part of our marriage is fraught with him doubting my love for him. I suppose my one true mistake is to not allow myself to be vulnerable to love.

Of course, I have worked on this over the years and I know I still have moments when I am not all "out there" as I should be, or not as supportive of his wants and desires as I should be. I am sure many of you find this interesting, but remmber, I am not talking about sex. Sex is something that I have no problems bearing all in - it is more of the "intimacy" that I have problems.

Live and learn...and learn some more....

[*Mikayla's~Man*]

WOW...I didn't see that one coming.

For me it would have to be not being adventurous and open to new things. I have always been sort of sheltered in my relationships - especially when it comes to sex. I am much more open now than I was but I wasted a lot of time worrying about feeling stupid, fucking up or doing something not good enough. I at least learned to leave it all on the track when I married mik. although I doubt I had a choice.

MM

[foryoureyesonly]

You know, the previous two posts are what I like most about this board. I don't mean to embarass ya'll, but, how great is it that we can get a response from both sides of a couple? Ya'll are two of the main reasons I read this board. You are so open and sharing with each other and with all of us. Thanks so much for that. (BTW, both of those post belong on the "sweetest thing" contest.)

This is very hard for me to admit, but, the one thing I regret the most was early in our relationship I had some real problems with addiction. It wasn't alcohol or illegal substances but prescription meds. I had some accidents and health issues at that time and was prescibed pain meds and others that are highly addictive. I didn't know where to stop and things got out of hand. There were several of the meds that definitely affected by personality. To put it bluntly, I was a bitch. My DH never once made me feel alone or abandoned. He stuck with me through it all even when I was physically abusive to him once. He had every reason to leave me but didn't. I will spend the rest of my life making that up to him and showing him as much unconditional love as he showed me then, and has continued to ever since.

[me4now]

I would have to say one of the biggest mistakes would be, when I first got married to man husband I allowed a lot of the women here in Ga. get into my head and that lead me to not trust my husband so I would check his pager to see who would be callig and leaving him voice masseges and that lead to a whole lot of distrust.

I later found out that they didnt want us together because they where ofter him the whole time, sometime I still feel really bad about that, but thank God for forgivness.

[thurisas]

Wouldn't it be easier to ask what HAVEN'T we done wrong in a relationship? Thinking back I think I've made about every mistake there is to make, but that's what dating is for, right? Most recently, I think I've neglected my wife and taken the things she does for granted. She would be the first to tell you that I'm a little...well...alot oblivious to most things around me. I have to force myself to look for signs that she's been busy about the house otherwise I don't think to let her know how nice things look after all the work she's done.

Thurisas.

[thurisas]

Oh no, Howard, you misunderstand. I really am VERY Oblivious to things. It is a failing of mine and one that gets poked fun(in good nature) at quite a bit in this household. It takes me literally weeks to see that my wife has put new pictures on otherwise blank walls(she's a photographer). Also, it isn't that I'm not polite(I'm one of the most polite people I've ever met), its that I just don't typically notice things. I have a tendency to be in my own little world at times. I don't beat myself up about it either, I am who I am. The times I do notice things I always comment and I am sure that makes the work she did and the surprise of my noticing all the better.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

I know Thurisas (spelled right again!! LMAO), and he REALLY IS one of the most polite men I've ever met. He's also pretty oblivous, & has been that way as long as I've known him, but we still love 'im!

[Tyger]

Now THAT man was oblivious!!

[pappyld04]

I would not be too hard on yourself. You very quickly find out, for instance, that when your SO asks you how your day was, she really does not want to know everything about how your day went! Soon, you just say, " fine ", or " okay ", and get on to something else. Does that mean she is oblivious to the work you do? I don't think so. I think it only means that most of us don't need another run down on how you did the same thing you do every day. And it does not mean you are not appreciated. If you do something new, she wants to hear about it.

The best story my mother tells about her parents was when family friends came in to visit from Iowa, when mom was a girl, and brought a " big city " newspaper from Iowa that had a picture of my grandfather on the front page, noting that my grandfather had completed training to operate the NEW diesel RailRoad engines, and had been given the honor of operating the first such engine on the Milwaukee RR line. My grandfather, who then often worked 20 hour days, weeks at a time, and only came home long enough to get clean clothes, a meal, and a good bath and shave, and sometimes a nap, had failed to tell his family that he was being sent to school to learn to operate diesel engines, and failed to tell them about being part of a big ceremony at work. My grandmother was very angry at him, and cried because she had to fake her having known all along to these unexpected guests. Of course, Grandma jumped him the next time he came home, and his explanation was that he didn't think it was that big a deal! Now, isn't that a typical male reaction?

It is a good habit to NOT forget your manners when it comes to your SO, don't forget to say thank you, and please, or " May I ", and don't stop flirting and romancing each other just because you said the " I do's". And, it does help if you show specific interest in what the other actually does with their day, even to the point of swapping roles, as much as possible. I notice things like house cleaning, and cooking, and re-arranging furniture, and new additions to the furnishings in the house, because I lived on my own before I was married, and had no one to share the work. I know how much work it is to wash floors, and window, and I know how much effort goes into cooking a nice meal, because I do those things. It can't hurt any man to learn how to do such chores, and women do their husbands a disservice by not showing them how to do that. And women can learn about cars, and lawn mowers, and hedge trimmers, and digging gardens, and trimming trees, and all the other things that men are typically expected to do for the family.

Howard

I find the first paragraph to be a double-edged sword. Some SOs really do want that communication no matter how dull it may be. That fine or OK might send you to divorce court. One of the more popular excuses for divorces is a lack of communication. Although there are a million more this is where it normally starts.

[pappyld04]

I've made a million put will give only a partial list to work over here. One of my biggest is that I am very blunt about relationships. It's all or nothing with me. And that tends to scare a lot of girls. That's OK, it probably wouldn't go far anyway and I'd rather know now if there are glitches in the system. I used to be Mr. nice guy, and as many times as I've heard, I've not met one yet that really wants that. A lot of the girls who wanted to date me were somewhere in mid-limbo with the X. This I do not tolerate. I tell them straight up that I will not be fighting with the man on the sly. They must absolutely break it off with the other man before I'll even consider it. These are probably considered more of a safeguard measure than a screw-up. But they have stopped a lot of problems that would have arisen at some point. A lack of proper communication has been one fault that I appear to have at least partially corrected over time. I find that some want complete details and others want the summarized version. It's just figuring out which is which!!!

[cdwaldorf]

Instead of getting out of a relationship that was dead I ended it by cheating. I was 17 and very stupid.

[Iluvcyndi]

I would say that like a lot of men I've been very guilty of taking my wife for granted and getting hung up on the things that she doesn't do, (which are pretty minor) and not appreciating the things she does. She is a wonderful strong intellegent beautiful sexy woman who is an amazing lover. I sometimes try to push her to places that are outside of her comfort zone and rather than be satisified with what she is willing to share with me. It's rarely something physical, rather it's trying to get her to be more open about what she wants, what her fantasy's are, trying to get her to be more dominant at times in bed. I have finally begun to understand after 22 plus years of being together, that if I don't push, she will get to the point of telling me what she wants. She is not likely to become more dominant, that's just not her personality. I have to remember to appreciate her for all the things she does for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually and not get all hung up on the things I think are missing.

[Haruko]

I've done a few things wrong in relationships, however it was often a combination of both mine and his actions that made things go wrong at all.

The one main mistake I've made in a relationship in the past is, after a horrible break up (actually, two horrible break ups), getting back together with the guy after - I realize now that this was a serious mistake as it ended in disaster. Actually, I did this with two different guys and it took me that long to realize my mistake >___>. I know there are more mistakes for me to make in future, and I'm NOT looking forward to that... But at least I'll learn new things...

[promiscuouseuphoria]

Ah, yes, mistakes. I have a list. But only one, I remember.

I'd have to say that my biggest mistake in my current relationship is that I have a bad habit of not speaking up when I'm unhappy/disastisfied/etc because I don't want to be difficult. I don't want to be so annoying that I lose him. Now, the logical part of my brain screams "Are you CRAZY? You're the best partner he's ever had!" but naturally the logical side of my brain gets ignored. We've actually had a number of arguments because I didn't voice my irritation with something - either sexual or otherwise - and then just sat on it and sat on it until resentment built. And usually when I finally got fed up and said something, he would just ask why I hadn't said so in the first place and adjustments would be made.

Still working on this quirk of mine, but I think I'm getting better.

[jennycherie]

I think the biggest mistake I made, particularly early in our marriage, was not being understanding or open enough to my husband's needs. I'd get upset with him for masturbating or looking at porn, but I wasn't 100% available to him. What was I thinking?

[Sunshine Sam218]

The biggest mistake I made was with one of my ex boyfriend... I continued to stay with him when I knew everything was going down hill. It really hurt me to let go of him when I put all my trust into him & in the end I found out his friends got complete control over him. They told him what to do, who he can and can't date and wouldn't let him speak his mind. I should of have just left him in the end but I didn't, I continued to hold on.

From now on though, I don't plan to put myself through that. All that pain and misery I felt wasn't worth it. If it's not working out, it's not working out... simple as that.