Dh Looking At Risque Pics Online

[bobo]

Not sure where I should post this, so please re-direct me if I'm in the wrong forum. I recently found out that my DH had signed up to be a member of a forum that has risque pics of women. It's not so much that I mind, but that he didn't tell me. When I confronted him, he lied and told me that he had to sign up for that forum for the contests (DH is into sci-fi and enters contests). Granted, that's ok. But when I asked him if he clicked on the sub-forum called "Babes" he denied it. But after a long discussion, he finally admitted to browsing through the pics. Again, I have no prob. It's the lying that hurts me. So after much discussion, he told me that he did get sexually turned on, but it was not because of the women but because of the poses. He said that he wasn't attracted to the women, just turned on in general. Oh another thing, I asked him how often he's been visiting that particular forum, and he said just once when he signed up. I find that hard to believe. If he'll lie to me about looking at those pics, I think he'd lied to me about how many times he's visited that forum. So I told him that his account said that his last visit was back in December, and he seemed baffled. He kept telling me that he's only signed in once back when he joined in Oct. 2006. Anyway I really don't know. Oh it gets better. When we both go to that site together and try to sign in, he has trouble remembering the passoword. But how can that be since it said that his last sign in was Dec. 18, 2007. Anyway, he requested for a new password and finally got in. I dont know if it's all for show or anything. He did admit to me several things during our discussion:

1. After much denial of ever visiting that particular board with the risque pics of women, he finally admitted it. But he only said he visited it once since Oct. 2006. But his account said that his last login was Dec. 2007.

2. He did get sexually turned on, but that was it. He said he had no attraction toward the women. Just turned on in general (by the poses, I guess).

3. He said that he denied everything because he was afraid that I might think he was attracted to those women. He's also afraid that I'll leave him (according to him, that's his biggest fear).

4. He also said that he felt guilty for looking at those pics because why would he need to since he's got a wife.

5. He said that in the process of entering his contests, some of the sites re-direct him to some porn sites. He said that he did look, but you had to pay which he didn't.

I told him that my prob is all the lies, even when directly asked. I told him that I don't mind him looking at those pics and getting turned on. Hey, I want to be turned on too. So I told him that he could've told me about them and had me look at them too. BTW, we've been married 14 years (no children), and I thought there were no secrets. But I was wrong.

Any advice? TIA!

[jennycherie]

I told him that I don't mind him looking at those pics and getting turned on. Hey, I want to be turned on too. So I told him that he could've told me about them and had me look at them too. BTW, we've been married 14 years (no children), and I thought there were no secrets. But I was wrong.

Any advice? TIA!

I think that if you truly have no problem with him looking at the pictures, then you should not string him up over lying about (yet). If you put someone in a situation where they feel trapped/cornered/caught, then you should probably expect them to lie--particularly if they are worried about ramifications from telling the truth. Take the truth and move on, and show him you mean it. Personally, I'd prefer my husband not look at such pictures. If it were an issue, maybe I'd offer to pose for him to help him stay away from the temptation.

[hollybw]

The lying is something I would definitely have a problem with also. I always say, "I can deal with whatever you did, but I cannot deal with you lying to me about it." That goes for anyone!

I have known other people to have similar arguements about porn.

I believe it is natural to want to view such things. However, lying about it is unexceptable. Still, he may have just been embarrassed that he got caught. And, he may truely believe you would be upset enough for it to damage the relationship.

I think sometimes men lie because they think it will solve a problem or avoid a larger arguement - many people do this in general, for that matter. Sometimes when someone gets caught doing something taboo, the first reaction is to lie about it to avoid embarrassment or consequences.

Hope everything turns out okay for you and that this is something you two are able to talk through. Good Luck!

[Tyger]

This is quite a problem. My ex husband did the SAME thing, and told ME that if I did that, he'd consider it cheating. The whole hypocrasy is what pissed me off, that, and the lying, he tried denying it, but I caught him, um, red handed......

Men are visually turned on. He may not be "attracted to the women" per say, at least not enough to ask them out to dinner naturally, but, again, the way that men are wired, they get turned on by what they see! Like women usually get turned on by what they HEAR.

If you truly don't have an issue with him looking, and, it is just the fact that it is the lies, you ABSOLUTELY have a right to be bothered by the lying. Successful relationships are built on trust. No matter what the issue, lying should NOT be an excuse. If you're really OK with it, then why does he really feel guilty about it? He's a guy, and he's not dead, so of course he's going to look. EVERYONE looks. It's the fact that he doesn't go elsewhere for his sexual gratification that's important.

BTW, I would trust the LOGIN information on the site, and not, since, as with this site, a person's password is unique to his SCREEN NAME. Chances are, THAT log is a big more accurate. Not to sound disrespectful, but, he HAS lied to you about all this so far, and you probably have a "feeling" that he's not being overly truthful still, so this shouldn't really surprise you. You can also check your internet cookies on your computer, to see WHEN he logged into the site, if you know how to do that, and want to go that far.

Best Wishes.

[thurisas]

My question is what have you done that he felt that he had to lie? Have you made him feel guilty about looking at any other time? Have you somehow relayed the idea to him that if he looks you'll be offended? I guess what I'm asking is what is your part in this? Were you checking up on him before or after you found out he was lying? How did you find out? I think there's more to the story here than is being let on.

It isn't right that he lied, there is no question about that... but you really need to look at the underlying reasons for the lying and work on the root of the problem as well as the problem itself.

Thurisas.

[augurer]

Why is it such a surprise that he'd lie about viewing images of naked women? Unless you live in a sexually-open environment, that sort of imagery is considered immoral. From my experience, most of the U.S. is not such a sexually-open environment. I imagine most people are embarrassed by their desire to look at pornography, regardless of how natural it may be.

Unless you've fostered a very open sexual environment in the relationship, I wouldn't be that surprised by the lying.

I don't think there's any way to remove his desire to view naked women. Even if you walked around the house naked all the time, and were his ideal of beauty. No matter what, he'd be interested in seeing the other forms of beauty that are out there.

[DixieChick67]

Perhaps this is another topic altogether, but if a man is married why does he feel the need to look at or persue other women?? I know first hand from a negative experience back years ago that when a man says he's separated, most likely he's lying....ie: we're separated while she goes out to buy fried chicken! I met a man online and we became serious for a while because he told me he was in the process of divorcing. Little did I know and find out some time later he was and is still happily married.

[DixieChick67]

Oh...forgot a thought. If they are so happy in their marriage, why do they want to be with another woman? I'm glad I found out before too long and swore to myself I would never get in a relationship like this again.

[augurer]

Men are visual. I don't see why there's such a hang up on looking at other women. Naked or otherwise.

As for pursuit, my guess would be that he's not satisfied sexually. Just because a man wants more sexually doesn't mean that he's willing to undergo the upheaval that divorce would cause. Perhaps he is/was happy with every other element other than the sex with his current wife... or at least not unhappy enough to change anything but that.

[DixieChick67]

Makes sense. Thanks for a male's perspective on this.

[Rob]

Bobo,

Thanks for posting for advice. I hope the posts you read gives you some direction on how to handle this situation. I don't know much about you or your husband, with that in mind...

1. Your husband was probably really embarrassed. It is hard to explain to you that naked woman turn him on and when it is his little secret and the secret comes out in the open, he also has to admit to himself that these ‘dirty’ pics turn him on. His upbringing and current environment may look down on such behavior and he probably struggles with his desires to view these pics and his moral conscience telling him it is wrong. This is very similar to when you catch a teenager (or often adults) in a lie and no matter what they will deny it to the end. They would rather deny it to the end because when they admit to it, it becomes real. Make any sense?

2. I know you are saying you are only upset because he didn’t tell you. He obviously doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you his intimate desires. This could say a lot about you or him. I am guessing it is a mixture of both.

Again, I don't know you or your husband and this could be way off base, but here are some other thoughts...

Don’t look at this as a negative experience. Use this as a catalyst to get closer to your husband, sexually. I know that sounds strange and you might be saying wtf. Many couples think they have great sex and are completely connected emotionally and physically during sex. The truth is, each person is too concerned about what the other person might think of their fantasies and each person has their own sexual hang ups that get in their way of exploring their own desires. You can start this by extending your foreplay and talking to your husband during foreplay and sex. Talk about what you feel, what you would like to try, what excites you, how he turned you on when he as out mowing the lawn… and so on. Make your sex sessions a complete experience, not just a session. It is a great place to start!

Rob

ps. Yes, men like naked women. Does this mean they will seek them out for sex? No! But ALL men get turned on by naked women. Men will say don't that b/c they are afraid their wives/gfs are going to get pissed at them or they might be afraid to admit it to themselves as IHA pointed out above.

[DixieChick67]

No I'm not saying women don't look because I know they do. I know I do. I guess I should have posted my response in a totally different thread. It was way off topic from what the original poster typed out. Just having some insecurities of my own this past week. Sorry to confuse.

[froggystyle1977]

I would also be very upset about the lying, and at the same time can kind of understand it. Alot of women are turned on by sound as tyger mentioned but some are also turned on visually I am one of them!! I remember the first time my husband found out I was watching porn while he was at work (stupid vcr didn't rewind all the way LOL) I was sooo embarrassed and tried to deny it, with stupid excuses- hit the fast foward by accident, no I was not, I was setting it up for us to watch seriously I was acting like a teenager who has been caught in thier parents porn stash!!!it was stupid of me and I now realize all it did was make him want me more. he lied ot you and thats wong but as rob said above make it a learning experience use it to your advantage and keep telling him your ok with it!! ask him if hw wants to try any of those positions if he wants you to pose for him, in the end it will help your relationship if your open and honest!! good luck

[Tyger]

I don't mean to sound disrespectful here AT ALL, so please don't take it as such. It's really an unfortunate belief, the "old school" kind of belief (and I don't mean just "older generations"), that if you're happy in your marriage/relationship, that you are not allowed or don't look at other people of the sex you're attracted too. It's unrealistic. Iha is totally correct in his POV of how human males are wired. It's biological. HOWEVER, how one chooses to handle these situations is PERSONAL.

For instance, a man can casually look around, and appreciate a curvy woman, maybe even feel some heat down in his groin, as a natural, physical response. He can be discreet about it, and his SO may never know. Or, he could act like a "wolf", jaw drops, whistles, oggles, makes crude comments, and make the woman he's with feel insignificant. Of course, there are variences in between all this, but I think you may get the idea.

I'm sorry, but any man that says he doesn't look, IMHO, is lying. Hell, I'd be lying if I said I NEVER looked at other men. Just because one is in a happy and proclaims to be in a fulfilling marriage does NOT mean that they've shut everything off. Yes, you can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn't mean that looking and appreciating a beautiful person is cheating, or that, deep down, you're unhappy. So, yes, men can look and still be happy in their marriage.

I called my hubby out on this too. He's an "old schooler". Even though he's 34, he has the "deep south" mentality in a lot of things. When I called him out on looking at another girl, I was laughing. At first, he totally denied it. I told him NOT to lie to me, but I really didn't care if he looked and admired. It was the lying that bothered me. When I took the time and explained to him WHY this conversation was bugging me, it was totally different than what he thought and was use too. He was use to younger women getting all kindsa mad, pissed off, and almost hysterical, that he was looking at other women. I don't want the drama, never have. I'm upfront and pretty honest about that stuff. Sometimes I shock him, and he says that I should've been a man, but I have too nice a "rack" to be a man! LMAO

Now, we watch and critique porn together, and he jokes about movie/TV stars that he thinks are hot. I laugh and give as good as I get with that!

Think of it like this: Say you like your car, or your house, or, even your favorite sweater. Does that mean that you are unhappy with your car/house/sweater if/when you look at a different one that catches your eye? Of course not.

This lady's issue, that she is claiming is that her hubby, for some reason lied to her. Whether or not he felt like he was doing a "bad" thing in his eyes, or if he thought SHE would consider it a bad thing is really something only he can answer. I can understand her hurt at more at being lied to, than having him look at another woman, even a bunch of 'em on the internet. Especially all the lame excuses he's been giving, and the blatant lies.

[analplay4u]

just thinking , my wife does not even know i read here let alone post every now and again. I don't lie about it i just don't mention it. thinking about it as i was reading through this post i would have to say my first response would be to not admit it. partly out of not wanting to have to explain with the 100 questions that would follow. and partly because i know how my wife is and how she would over analyze the whole thing. and i think getting caught looking at porn is the same thing. Men may be programmed to look and not only think with their brain we are also wired for self preservation as well as i would like to think relationship preservation. just my 2 cents for what it is worth from someone who has been married 20 years.

[pappyld04]

Welcome to the forum. I just read a lot of things that make me go, WTF? I thought it was bad growing up when we would catch mom going through our porn mags. We used to get most of ours from the grain elevators and truck drivers that would get tired of those girlfriends and trash them to go buy some more. We go get them out of the dumpsters and give them a new home. Just about every boy that ran with us wanted to stay the weekends at our house. Mom has worked in the oilfield as long as I can remember and I'm talking about the fun oilfield of yesterday. She always had a cabinet full of Mezcal, (real Tequila, but not as tasty), Crown Royal, Order of Merit and a few questionable colors there, generic I guess. Between the booze and the books there was always something going on. Every great once in a while Mom would yell upstairs for us to bring the books down. She said that she wanted to look at and read them but IMO she was making sure that we weren't finding those other mags. Culling the herd so to speak. This is the way I was raised and I'm not one to lie about it to a girlfriend. Hell I didn't even lie to my mom. I see why you are so pissed about it. I despise that more than anything. What really shocked me was the one(s) who don't share this with their SOs. My gf is right her behind my right shoulder playing on the laptop, she's a MahJong addict! I've made her come over and check out a few jokes that I thought were funny and it's nothing for me to tell her what is being discussed or even ask her opinion on the topic. Hell she made me stop saving stuff for her that I thought she might like. Back to the topic at hand it seems that those online girls are getting more communication than you are. I can't say that is bad but the rest of that has me halfway between laughing and baffled. IMHO, the lies should be dealt with. No beatings or anything like that but if you just tell him that it's over I know you will spend many moons wondering if that is all that has been lied about. Really you are faced with the easier problem of the situation unless that is out of hand also. (No pun intended). I can't say I know of any woman who has actually put a stop to a man looking, we are only simple in some areas but not that one. I'm not real sure I buy the one about the positions either. If you put 12 guys in a room and show them the tree pics in the joke area there is almost always one or two that will start thinking about it!

[thurisas]

Analplay4u...This is the very thing I was trying to get at when I asked above what this woman had done to make the man feel he had to lie.

Your wife has trained you to think that she will over analyze and hound you if she knew. As a result the little lie of not telling her or denying it when it is brought up seems to be the better course to take rather than going through the process. The problem with this, of course, is that you hurt the trust in your relationship in the meantime because unless you have had, conclusive evidence to back up your lie she will have doubts for a very long time. Telling the truth makes for less problems in the long run.

Thurisas.

[pappyld04]

The problem with this, of course, is that you hurt the trust in your relationship in the meantime because unless you have had, conclusive evidence to back up your lie she will have doubts for a very long time. Telling the truth makes for less problems in the long run.

Thurisas.

I don't want to throw one of those nasty generalizations on this. Many women I have know will take that one or 12 little fibs and turn it into an all out war. In my experience once a woman finds that first little step, it's not unusual for her to take this and as we pull more stupid shit it goes into the same pot and once that pot gets to a certain point she is no longer around to tell about how it happened. And the ones who say nothing are usually faster out that door. It's almost the exact opposite of an abused woman who would never dream of leaving him. In the long run if she does it will unfortunately be in a casket.

[bobo]

Wow. Thanks for all of your replies. We both grew up in the religious deep south, and sex or anything sexual with a person other than you're married to is from the devil. My DH and I were each other's firsts in everything. Heck, we were virgins when we got married. What really bugs me is the lying. We've looked at sexual things together, whenever those pop ups come up. And after 14 years of marriage, we bought our first sexual positions book online last week. Never would we go into a local bookstore and look at those (we'd be too embarassed). I really just wanted my DH to be upfront with me. If he's turned on, I want to know about it. And I want to get turned on too. So why not get me in the mood too? I've always been open and honest with him about everything. He even knows about this board, and we both read it together sometimes, especially about the sex education posts. Ya'll have so much more "experience" than I do. We don't have any toys, but I did buy a sex dice and sex game online. We have a store here called Spencers and they have sex stuff, but it's way in the back. Sometimes, we would stroll back there and take a quick peek using our peripheral vision. But then, we go back to the front of the store and leave. I'm trying to learn more sexual techniques, and I learned how to give my DH BJ's from ya'll. Actually, I've been giving him BJ's but only as foreplay. And I get really embarassed when he goes down on me. He tells me that he loves doing that, but I don't let him do that often because I'm so embarassed by it. I'm always looking for ways to keep the spice in our marriage. And now that I know what he's into, I want to be that for him. We had a really big discussion, and I think we worked it out. He said that he won't lie to me anymore; and I believe him. I HAVE to believe him. It's not that I'm threatened by those women, it's the fact of his lying to me that got me all upset. And by reading some of your posts above, I can see it from another point of view. He probably felt like he was cornered and his survival instinct kicked in - but I can't recall a time in the past that I've ever gave him that impression. I don't know. But thank ya'll so much for responding.

Taylor

[hollybw]

I, too, am from the South, but I still firmly believe that no one should be embarrassed by sex! I understand that you two have been trained to feel this way in childhood, but you are an adult now and are married. You two have every right to be having sex together and ENJOYING it! The would be something wrong if you weren't!

Since you have now shed a little more light into your lives, I now think it is your beliefs about sex that caused him to think he needed to lie - like he had done something immoral. What he was doing is perfectly natural. However, I do agree with you about the lying. That part was wrong, but again, his background may have a lot to do with that.

If the two of you are becoming interested in toys and games, but are too embarrassed to shop for them at Spencer's (they haven't much selection anyway!) then you are in the right place. TooTimid is very discrete about shipping orders - I live in AL and my mailman has never looked at me funny!

I think you have a great attitude about really just wanting to share this with him.

Have fun exploring and good luck!

[froggystyle1977]

we have spencers in my area too really no selection there. I am glad you had your talk and hope that things continue to go well for you!!!

[Jaca]

A couple of months ago I "busted" my SO enjoying himself using pics online. We talked it out, vowed to share it all etc. We pinpointed some particular items in the pics that turned him on and I hit ebay for supplies. Our sex life roared into life.

This week I accidently located a section of his computer with tonnes of porn vids. I was heartbroken. Not about the vids, or his use of porn. But because we had just gone through the whole honesty thing and this was a big fat omission on his part!

Now, I really feel betrayed. The first time was something we could work through and I made all the effort. Now to find he was still keeping secrets is very hard to deal with.

We are in Australia, very open minded, share everything, have amazing sex and have been together for over 13 years. To see how much of our relationship took place with his dishonesty is unnerving.

We are working on it - because that is what we do! But any additional points of view that may assist would be appreciated.

[chloegirl]

Years ago this is something I would have been really upset about too, but I think alot of that thinking was what I assimilated from my mother. She couldn't stand the fact that my dad would buy his "magazines" and it was a battle between them that caused all sorts of grief to them both (I think she took it as a personal attack against her and her desirability) but he never would give it up and she stayed perpetually pissed off.

I see it a little differently now. As long as your sex life and relationship is still good and strong and he's not going to his "private world" at the expence of your relationship it's not really taking anything away from you. Everyone, no matter how close they are to their partner, has to have that private little cache that they keep to themselves whether it's just little fantasies they think about or their mastubation/porn sessions or whatever. I myself read erotica, watch porn, and have my private little "me sessions". I don't necessarily hide it, he knows and has seen my stuff and there's a time and place when we share those experiences, but I don't include him or even want him around all the time and I'm not about to give up my alone time....No matter how much you love a person you don't necessarily want them with you during EVERY single moment of your day.

As IHA has said, it's probably not so much that he's trying to be dishonest, it's just his own little thing that he likes to keep to himself for his own personal "this is my time" ..... don't be too upset unless you truly feel that he is pulling away from you and going over "there" more than is healthy for your relationship. No matter what anyone says...it is not wrong for couples to keep a little corner of themselves to themselves....it's perfectly normal, you may be a couple, but you are also still a separate entity. Hope everything goes good for you....

[pappyld04]

When my gf and I broached this subject I had a lot of trouble getting her to open up and talk about it. It took a lot of assurance to let her know that I have no reason to be jealous of her thoughts,fantasies, ideas or anything else as long as I was included in the knowledge. I often saved pics and such for her because I thought she would enjoy them. I've never tried to secret my found treasures from her either. I change my wallpapers often and since we share access to our PCs there is nothing to be hidden by either of us. Sure some of the pics may lose appeal after a minute but that is why they have a delete button. I did find her a desktop streaker many years ago that she still has on one of our old PCs. I had my virtual strippers. One of my favorite types of pics to save are Oriental girls in bondage. When I find one that suit smy tastes I use it as my wallpaper so it can be seen by her also. One thing we both learned from this is that if a lover is heading for the door there is no stopping them but you should never fuel the fire by hiding things from them. Jealousy and PMS are two things I try to head off at the pass. I've seen men and women who think fighting for your lover is the answer but I'll tell you it does nothing. If they want out they will find a way. Everything in between is about how much the two of you want to be together!

[whitefang2002]

Wow reading all this really made me open up my eyes! I was with a guy that was addicted to porn and had talked to him about it numerous times and wanted it all out in the open. (mosly cuz i wanted to watch it with him and then maybe try what they were doing...)anyways...he kept lying to me and telling me that he wasn't looking at it anymore without me and whatever. (on the computer that is) and then one day i walked into the computer room and he left he clean up supplies right next to the computer...and i could smell it right when i walked in the room. At the time I hated that he lied to me and I hated that he was looking at so much and I felt that he just wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore.

Well, I since then moved on and I knew about my current hubby's porn next to the bed and was ok with it. But then I found some hiding on the kitchen cabinets......what a place to put them I tell you. I would never have looked there. They were covered with dust though and he was the ones that took them out when I was in the room and I was just mad that he didn't tell me there was mmore....though it was very obvious he hadn't used them for ahwile. We are really really open. I knew that men looked at porn and all that stuff. But after reading all the posts in this topic I really do understand it so much better. And actually looked back and laughed at my self for getting so mad over nothing. I just want to thanks everyone for posting.....it helped me out when I wasn't looking for help. haha.