Wife Refuses To Perform Oral Sex After 32 Yrs Of Marriage

[cubish]

Mi wife and I have been married for 32 years. I am 58, she 56. I love her very much and she loves me. Lately we have been arguing moe than ever and more often than not the topic is sex. I tend to ne very passionate and erotic during our lovec making, She on the other hand is almost the oppiosite, rather cold and almost totally devoid of passion.

I usually perform oral sex on her to several orgasms. She has never performed it o my and absolutely refuses. Recntly, I have had a hard time reaching climax because frankly, I find her demeanor less than stimulating. Lately, I have been preoccupied with the thought that my wife does not enjpy sex with me or at all.

I have attempted to discuss the issue with her calmly, but she becomes defensive and another major argument typically follows.

It has gotten to fe point where sex has become a source of frustration for the two of us. Although, she could do without sex indefinitely, I have a fairly active libido and need it often.

Help.

[trina2008]

Bongos,

There maybe a few reasons why your wife has no libido, considering her age have you considered that it could be menopause. If she is on any kind of hormone treatment that can make your libido drop to nothing. Now I am not talking from experience but I do know a few people that have suffered from this. You would also have to consider different medications that she may be on. These could explain the drop in libido. Now as for giving you a blow job, I have a sister in law who is like that and I have never understood the issue, I read that you have tried to talk to her about it and she gets defensive. The only thing I can tell you is maybe you should withhold giving it to her and see what happens. I know that is how it is in my marriage, if one doesn't give the other doesn't get it. I would still try and talk to her calmly, and keep communications open. Try communicating about other things first, make her feel comfortable. The very carefully approach the subject.

Keep us informed and let us know how you are doing.

[hollybw]

Remember that it is also very possible that she has been taught in her early years to believe that sex is not meant to be enjoyable or that is for the purpose of baby-making only. Not to mention that BJ's are dirty also. It may not actually have anything to do with you at all - just her learning during puberty. You will have to try to get this out of her to find out what is really going on in order to help her to enjoy herself and enjoy you!

Let us know! Good luck!

[Mikayla1]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but honey, you have been married for 32 years and HAVE NEVER had a blowjob? I doubt that she is gonna sit right up and agree to it now. Why did you wait soooo long to address this? In a way it is not fair to expect her to change this now, after all this time. I mean, people do change and there is hope that she may do it some day, but I highly doubt it is gonna be an easy task to get her to do it.

Iha is right, there is probably more going on than just sex. The other posters have also mentioned age. This is VERY important. As women get older (past 40) their hormones change. IF she is in or past menopause her entire libido is likely changed. This can be the culprit that is making her emotions during sex less than satisfactory. I would seriously suggest having her see her doctor and perhaps get on hormone therapy.

The other thing you can do is simply tell her you love her, and you want her to be pleasured and happy, but YOU also want to be pleasured and happy. You have been married a long time, you are not strangers. Try to reason it out with her. Explain your desires, fantasies, expectations and ask her what hers are as well.

I wish you luck!

[Desires08]

Bongos, I can tell you that as women get older (all the ones I know anyhow) their desires for sex decrease. In the town I live in, you hear women all the time saying "Yeah I remember what it was like to be young and in love and always wanna do it but (and there is ALWYAYS that but) I am older now and don't do that stuff anymore.They tell me all the time they just don't have the same level of sexual desire as they once did. It's not saying that ALL women don't have sex around the age of sixty, but you have to consider her health, her level of energy, her mobility, her horomonal balance the reaction factor of any medications that she may be on, etc .... On the other hand I remember talking once with another 58 year old woman (or possibly 59 I think) anyhow, she told me that her husband(who was age 64) woke her up for sex. She said, I just threw my legs up in the air an let him have it. My point is (I see and talk to people of this age on a daily basis pretty much) and I can tell you that for some ladies, as they get older, their bodies change. Intstead of going into puberty and being horny all the time, they grow out of it and simply don't want it the way they once did. In the old days, it was referred to as "THE CHANGE"...(BTW To this day I cannot stand to hear anyone say, she's going through THE CHANGE) Now, as for the blow job....I totally agree with Mikayla and IHA. Totally. And if you are angry with her now for not doing it, then I have to wonder why because it's been this way forever. If you love her and you have had 32 wonderful years of marriage, then I would say, don't let this ruin it or cause another second of arguing. After all, do any of us really know how long we'll be in this life? You stated you love eachother very much. Perhaps there is something else you could do or try together. Try not to take it so personal either as far as her attitude. All women go through this...well let me rephrase that, most if not all.Good luck. Oh and you know men too go through this eventually..

[Tyger]

I am sorry that this is NOW becoming a problem. I will agree with my fellow posters here. It's been an extremely long time for this subject (the BJ aspect) to go unaddressed in the marriage, and it can be a bit unfair of you to expect it all of a sudden NOW. I also doubt very much, that after all this time, she's just going to see the error of her ways, and just go right down on you.

Her defensiveness is probably stemming from her wondering "why NOW?". That would be MY reaction under the same circumstances. Critiquing anyone's sexual repitoire in the bedroom can be a touchy subject to be sure. Some people don't take the suggestions easily, and take it as negative criticism. It's going to depend on how it's addressed and worded. Arguing about sex is NOT the way to try to get things to change. However, this is going to be a large hill to overcome, since you've been married for 32 yrs, and nothing seems to have changed (sexually) in that time.

Her "coldness", is this something that has always been the way she is? Or is this fairly new? I would have to agree with the recommendations of either hormones, menopause, and/or personal beliefs. If it's hormones or hormonal therapy, she will have to speak with her doctor about that. There could be some other underlaying issues that she hasn't brought up. Women enjoy sex more when they feel more connected with their lover. Constantly arguing is not the way to go about maintaining closeness.

I would suggest that y'all go to a marriage counselor. Sometimes love isn't enough, especially when nobody can get along.

Good luck!!

[Amylynn920]

What the others said, and I know for me my sex drive is pretty high. I am perimenopausal and all over my man.

My advice on the blow job issue is stop giving her oral. I mean it's nice and all you want to please her but it's a two way street. And just tell her why. It's not fair she gets to experience that pleasure and you don't.

As to why she won't do blow jobs I just can't wrap my mind around that, but that's just me. It's a regular part of our foreplay.

[pappyld04]

I see you are passionate about your lovemaking but I have to wonder if maybe a bit of wooing may be in order here. Even if you don't get what you want from it she still needs to know that you love her and that you are still willing to put the effort out there to keep her happy. Take her out and talk to her in a setting that has nothing to do with sex. If you ever had the opportunity to read a former members post about this I would highly suggest using that advice.

[cubish]

I see you are passionate about your lovemaking but I have to wonder if maybe a bit of wooing may be in order here. Even if you don't get what you want from it she still needs to know that you love her and that you are still willing to put the effort out there to keep her happy. Take her out and talk to her in a setting that has nothing to do with sex. If you ever had the opportunity to read a former members post about this I would highly suggest using that advice.

[jhard]

This is a side question here. For me, a blowjob is only a real blowjob if it is finished with the penis in the mouth. Swallowing is irrelavant.

According to this definition, I have never had a blowjob either. It has caused friction and my wife did once say that I can go and pay for it. Now, I have never heard her (what did you say ) retract that offer. I have patience and things are getting closer all the time, she actually gets into cock sucking at times. Having said that, there will come a time when I will go and get it somewhere else. And I won't have to pay for it either. And I will have not the least bit of remorse. As a matter of fact, if things ever get to that point, I believe it could become habit forming.

j

[tkla]

This is a side question here. For me, a blowjob is only a real blowjob if it is finished with the penis in the mouth. Swallowing is irrelavant.

According to this definition, I have never had a blowjob either. It has caused friction and my wife did once say that I can go and pay for it. Now, I have never heard her (what did you say ) retract that offer. I have patience and things are getting closer all the time, she actually gets into cock sucking at times. Having said that, there will come a time when I will go and get it somewhere else. And I won't have to pay for it either. And I will have not the least bit of remorse. As a matter of fact, if things ever get to that point, I believe it could become habit forming.

j

I am glad my husband doesn't share this definition. I give him oral sex everytime we have sex...period. However, according to your definition he hardly ever gets a "blowjob". He is very satisfied. If he went somewhere else because despite the fact that I love to give him oral sex, I'm normally to eager to have him inside me to finish him that way....well I'd have to kill him.

[tkla]

After two dozen years, she agreed to do it with a condom. It's something, and physically, yes, it works, but I can't get over the feeling of rejection and that she really doesn't want to do it...I mean, a condom...I once told her if that was the rule for me, then I would only do her from now on with a dental dam....that comment got me 30 days without any sex.

Iha, I find that grossly unfair on her part. What works for one, should work for the other. I'm sorry

[sun_flower969]

Really guys I think I hear about this way too much. The idea that you are being rejected because she wont go down on you. Seriously lets get down to it. Why would a woman marry a man she loves, have sex with him have his children and then because she won't give him oral sex he takes it as a rejection? It is NOT a personal thing! I guarantee you it is either:

A: She thinks it is wrong due to some ingrained teachings from her upbringing. (Only whores do that, God thinks it's wrong etc...)

B: She thinks it is unsanitary or dirty, some women are germophobic! (I mean C'mon! really, you do pee from there!)

C: She is insecure, afraid she will do it wrong or gag, etc

ETA: D: it is hard work and takes too long she gets tired or feels overwhelmed.

I do agree that it is WAY unfair if a man is being orally attentive to his woman but she wont reciprocate. It is like hypocrisy! Like, it's gross for her but you doing it to her is totally fine! And in addition, some men have a hard time giving oral to their women for the same reasons and women take it personally, even though it is the MAN'S hangup!

Having said this, I do give my H oral regularly. It isn't EVERY time but almost. I used to have a hard time with it because of those very reasons above. Saving it for once in awhile. Now I am way past those issues. In fact I LOVE it now, it is a huge turn on for me! It wasn't him, it was me! IT ISN'T YOU IT IS HER!!!!! I don't know the miracle answer to turn her around but I do know that if you constantly are complaining about it and asking her for it she is going to feel like it is the only thing that matters to you (is it?) and get more reluctant to do it. Some things that helped me to come around is that when I would do it he would fill my ear with compliments. "Oh baby you are so good at that, your lips feel so good, I love your tongue, etc..." That encouragement helped me to really want to do it! It is hard to compete with hangups and reservations, but not impossible! I know that most of you have had the talk but have you really asked her why? I mean REALLY had the heart to heart? Have you told her how you feel about it? How good it feels when she does it, or even how/why you love doing it to her?? It is a difficult thing trying to break someone out of their shell but like I said don't take it so personal! You didn't marry her because of the promise of blowjobs did you? I am assuming it is because of love! Guys be sensitive and try to get her some help and encouragement to feel good about herself and what she is about to do! AGAIN, It's not about you, it is about her!

There I said it! I hope no one hates me now...

[jhard]

I am glad my husband doesn't share this definition.

Have you asked him?

Just teasing, I am glad you two are on the same page.

j

[jhard]

Really guys I think I hear about this way too much. The idea that you are being rejected because she wont go down on you. Seriously lets get down to it. Why would a woman marry a man she loves, have sex with him have his children and then because she won't give him oral sex he takes it as a rejection? It is NOT a personal thing! I guarantee you it is either:

A: She thinks it is wrong due to some ingrained teachings from her upbringing. (Only whores do that, God thinks it's wrong etc...)

B: She thinks it is unsanitary or dirty, some women are germophobic! (I mean C'mon! really, you do pee from there!)

C: She is insecure, afraid she will do it wrong or gag, etc

ETA: D: it is hard work and takes too long she gets tired or feels overwhelmed.

I do agree that it is WAY unfair if a man is being orally attentive to his woman but she wont reciprocate. It is like hypocrisy! Like, it's gross for her but you doing it to her is totally fine! And in addition, some men have a hard time giving oral to their women for the same reasons and women take it personally, even though it is the MAN'S hangup!

Having said this, I do give my H oral regularly. It isn't EVERY time but almost. I used to have a hard time with it because of those very reasons above. Saving it for once in awhile. Now I am way past those issues. In fact I LOVE it now, it is a huge turn on for me! It wasn't him, it was me! IT ISN'T YOU IT IS HER!!!!! I don't know the miracle answer to turn her around but I do know that if you constantly are complaining about it and asking her for it she is going to feel like it is the only thing that matters to you (is it?) and get more reluctant to do it. Some things that helped me to come around is that when I would do it he would fill my ear with compliments. "Oh baby you are so good at that, your lips feel so good, I love your tongue, etc..." That encouragement helped me to really want to do it! It is hard to compete with hangups and reservations, but not impossible! I know that most of you have had the talk but have you really asked her why? I mean REALLY had the heart to heart? Have you told her how you feel about it? How good it feels when she does it, or even how/why you love doing it to her?? It is a difficult thing trying to break someone out of their shell but like I said don't take it so personal! You didn't marry her because of the promise of blowjobs did you? I am assuming it is because of love! Guys be sensitive and try to get her some help and encouragement to feel good about herself and what she is about to do! AGAIN, It's not about you, it is about her!

There I said it! I hope no one hates me now...

You hit the nail on the head. Even though Miss Peak got me all perky last night and I mentioned BJ's then and a time or two today, I try not to bring it up very often at all with my wife. I know that for some reason it is hard for her and that it is not me. I think it is a combination of A and B above. Plus none of her friends in this fing PRUDE community that we live in do it either, so I am most definately the freak here. But I kid you not, I am a freak on a mission

j

[sun_flower969]

You hit the nail on the head. Even though Miss Peak got me all perky last night and I mentioned BJ's then and a time or two today, I try not to bring it up very often at all with my wife. I know that for some reason it is hard for her and that it is not me. I think it is a combination of A and B above. Plus none of her friends in this fing PRUDE community that we live in do it either, so I am most definately the freak here. But I kid you not, I am a freak on a mission

j

Yeah I guess I am the freak around here too. You know my friend told me she NEVER even looks at her husbands penis! She thinks it is gross. WTF??? Now granted she was sexually abused as a child but ALOT of women are like this! It is really a shame because they themselves are missing out!

[Mikayla1]

I find a lot of this discussion interesting...the fact is, women should suck cock and men should eat pussy...period.

I am a FIRM believer that sex is adult playtime and that normal, healthy foreplay INCLUDES oral sex - for BOTH. Women who won't - IN MY OPINION - are lazy. Sure, there are psychological reasons that women get hesitant to do it - but get over it, really. Same for men. We are not dirty, we are not gross, oral sex is healthy and fun and personally, in my bedroom, expected.

I know this opinion has not made me popular with the 'non-blowjobbing women' but I have never, ever had a partner say he would go and get oral sex elsewhere. I have said it before, and I am gonna say it again, the NUMBER ONE reason why men seek out prostitutes is for ORAL SEX! It is important to them - and it is important to women too.

Iha, I understand your feeling of rejection. You have been married all these years, have had sex with her and she STILL won't suck your cock without a condom? Where is her head? Yes, she does it, and yes, it is better than nothing, but.....

Jhard, I agree with you...men will find it somewhere eventually, or die trying to get it...

Listen ladies, the fact is, oral sex is something that you should be doing, and doing with enthusiasm and skill. Any woman who gives great head can take a man away from a woman who won't. Period.

Now, technically speaking, a "blowjob" is slang for the act or instance of fellatio, fellatio being the act of taking a man's penis into the mouth for the purposes of arousal, foreplay or ejaculation. Ejaculation is NOT a prerequisite for a blowjob.

So, if you have had a woman (or man) suck your cock and you were aroused by it, you have had a blowjob. If you have had a woman swallow your cum after - you have had a FANTASTIC blowjob.

[chloegirl]

AMEN SISTER! If you (male or female) don't desire your partner enough to do this and do it really well then you are sabotaging your entire sexual relationship and it will eventually trickle thru every other aspect of your marraige. Get over your baby shit hang-ups and learn to enjoy all aspects of sexuality like the sensual adult you were meant to be....don't do it half-assed or have the look and demeaner that just screams to your partner "eeuuww this is gross". Treat them like that too often and they will just as soon do without you and you might not like where that leads. Really I think that the way that so many women (and men) have been raised to subconsiously think that sex is dirty or wrong is a freakin' crime and there are alot of really messed up people running around because of it!

[sun_flower969]

Really I think that the way that so many women (and men) have been raised to subconsciously think that sex is dirty or wrong is a freakin' crime and there are alot of really messed up people running around because of it!

And that is EXACTLY why this issue is here! So sad!

[ladylove]

I couldn't have said it better than Mikayla and Sun.

so what your saying essentially is.....

^{A bow job a day helps keep the hookers away!}

(hehe)

[ohshelly]

My So's ex would only give him head if he wore a condom. The first time I made a move to give him a blowjob, he stopped me and reached for a condom.

I said 'what is that for'? and he told me. I was thinking to myself 'what!?' I told him no way did I want to suck on a condom, I wanted to feel

his skin on mine. He was in heaven.

She also wouldn't let him make love to her without a condom, because it was 'messy'. I LIKE messy, I LIKE the feel of his skin on mine.

I LIKE all the sights, smells and sounds of lovemaking.

I feel bad that these women are missing so much of the good stuff that makes sex GREAT. They are cheating their partners and themselves.

[Amylynn920]

I find a lot of this discussion interesting...the fact is, women should suck cock and men should eat pussy...period.

I am a FIRM believer that sex is adult playtime and that normal, healthy foreplay INCLUDES oral sex - for BOTH. Women who won't - IN MY OPINION - are lazy. Sure, there are psychological reasons that women get hesitant to do it - but get over it, really. Same for men. We are not dirty, we are not gross, oral sex is healthy and fun and personally, in my bedroom, expected.

I know this opinion has not made me popular with the 'non-blowjobbing women' but I have never, ever had a partner say he would go and get oral sex elsewhere. I have said it before, and I am gonna say it again, the NUMBER ONE reason why men seek out prostitutes is for ORAL SEX! It is important to them - and it is important to women too.

Iha, I understand your feeling of rejection. You have been married all these years, have had sex with her and she STILL won't suck your cock without a condom? Where is her head? Yes, she does it, and yes, it is better than nothing, but.....

Jhard, I agree with you...men will find it somewhere eventually, or die trying to get it...

Listen ladies, the fact is, oral sex is something that you should be doing, and doing with enthusiasm and skill. Any woman who gives great head can take a man away from a woman who won't. Period.

Now, technically speaking, a "blowjob" is slang for the act or instance of fellatio, fellatio being the act of taking a man's penis into the mouth for the purposes of arousal, foreplay or ejaculation. Ejaculation is NOT a prerequisite for a blowjob.

So, if you have had a woman (or man) suck your cock and you were aroused by it, you have had a blowjob. If you have had a woman swallow your cum after - you have had a FANTASTIC blowjob.

I could not have said it better.

[Amylynn920]

My So's ex would only give him head if he wore a condom. The first time I made a move to give him a blowjob, he stopped me and reached for a condom.

I said 'what is that for'? and he told me. I was thinking to myself 'what!?' I told him no way did I want to suck on a condom, I wanted to feel

his skin on mine. He was in heaven.

She also wouldn't let him make love to her without a condom, because it was 'messy'. I LIKE messy, I LIKE the feel of his skin on mine.

I LIKE all the sights, smells and sounds of lovemaking.

I feel bad that these women are missing so much of the good stuff that makes sex GREAT. They are cheating their partners and themselves.

And then their partners cheat on them, and then they ask when it happens and wonder "Why?".

[sun_flower969]

First, I don't hate you. Opinion sharing is an important way we learn. Secondly, I've tried everything you mentioned (and more), and I only have brought it up about every 5 years or so. She states that she cannot tolerate the taste or ejaculate. I have even offered her many fine, non-porn related reading-education resources, which she does not read. Third, refusal is synonymous with rejection. If there were enough sex in general, the oral part would not bother me as much. (And there would be far less porn...as Grandma used to say: 'keep them fed at home'.) Fourth, how much more personal can you get than your genitals? As if any woman would not feel that it was personal if their man stated he did not want to give attention to her breasts because he 'doesn't like the size.' While I understand the fundamental of your statement 'don't take it personally', the reality of intimate emotion is a sense of deep inequity, and therefore rejection. It's not the oral sex to orgasm per-se, it's the sense of total giving to the other person. There is nothing I would refuse to do, (short of committing a crime) if my lover needed it to feel loved.

Iha I think everyone here knows that you have exhausted yourself trying everything possible. Again it isn't you it is her! Sadly and if she is just so blind about all this and refuses to change what can you do really. If all the advice in the world isn't going to work and she makes promises and doesn't keep them. I really just don't know what to say. I guess I would throw up my hands and give up If I were in your shoes. I would at some point wonder what the hell I was wasting my time for. Feeling like shit all the time. (Not saying you should do this, I know you love her) I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel after trying everything and still she remains distant... So sorry.

"There is nothing I would refuse to do, (short of committing a crime) if my lover needed it to feel loved." I really appreciate that statement. It hits home with me and I really do feel for you.

[sun_flower969]

I feel bad that these women are missing so much of the good stuff that makes sex GREAT. They are cheating their partners and themselves.

SO TRUE!!!!!! HANGUPS SUCK!!!!